I have decided blogging in hopes I can reach out and touch others who may be fighting this battle too :)...
I have been giving this crazy thought disorder a lot of thought and I have tried more than anything to understand it! After all, that is what we do, right? Try and over think everything and analyze things to the T.
I have only suffered from pure O OCD and have mostly rituals that take place in my head. For example, the intrusive thought may be "Just Kill Yourself" The ritual will be me responding to the thought with "You would never do that"-"Satan is a liar"-"Why are you thinking this"...and the list goes on.
The thoughts of killing myself is a new one for me. I would have never thought in a million years that I would have struggled with this one since I was terrified of Dying with a deathly and untreatable disease for years...lol..I am only laughing because it so contradicting, isn't it? Scared to die and then wanting to die?
I also know this is all OCD due to the fact I am not fixated on any other thoughts. I keep having thoughts of what if I can't handle it and I just kill myself. What if I go crazy and lose my mind and commit suicide? There has been quite a bit of stress in my household in the last couple months. Mainly with my daughter who is entering into teenage years. I had found a letter that stated some horrible feelings she was having in regards to wishing she were dead, she was from the dark side, wanting to do some sexual things with some boy and how she hated her life. On top of this a few months back, I had a horrible episode from some meds I was taking and I had woke up out of my sleep in a severe panic attack and and racing thoughts of killing myself. It scared me so bad I woke my husband up and told him something was not right.
So, the thoughts started out by stating "I should kill my whole family and then myself"...and of course different random thoughts similar to this one was occurring over and over. Well, then it got to where I started feeling depressed as these thoughts felt like they were taking over and consuming me. I went to a dr. who prescribed me pristiq 50mg..It took a couple weeks and I started feeling better..a lot better. Then I received 3 different phone calls in a matter of 2 days of things my daughter was doing and bam! I was crying again, feeling like I wanted to die. So, the Dr. increased my meds to 100mg. I am feeling better though I am still having some issues. Now, it's like obsessing over being depressed and what if I get majorly depressed and try and kill myself. So, here I am still having intrusive thoughts. I am seeing someone for CBT and I have been trying to use some of the techniques I have learned, I will be sharing some things I have learned as I go through this journey. One piece of material she shared with my was a thought log, and it goes something like this:
There will be several boxes across your paper.
Each Box will be labeled as:
Thought-What triggered the thought-How did the thought make you feel-Evidence the thought is true-Evidence the thought could be false.
Log your thoughts for a week and share them with your counselor :)..This may give them some sort of direction.
